Wow.. Been a while since my last post and how i've drifted into the long lost world of online gaming... Reality is finally pulling me back to the ground again, and it sank my heart to realize the things i have lost in these past few weeks.
But the topic for today is "goodbye". The most painful, saddest word to ever exist in the dictionary of life. So sad, even my niece dare not to say or face it everytime we had to leave.
But it's part of life. We meet people. we buy things. we adopt animals. And at one point, we would have to depart from them. We may see them again. But we may not. How could we ever know that the wave goodbye at that departure bridge would be the last one that was filled with too much love and hope, until that one day you wake up and realize it's just a blurry image of a very sweet memory. Would it have been a better goodbye? would you have let them go if you knew, they would be gone forever? Would you have just stood there, feet locked to the ground, staring at that face as he fades into the distant?
I remember the first thing i lost as a child was this stuffed penguin i used to carry everywhere. My mom told me i lost in a bus somewhere in London. But i roughly remember i put it in a cupboard in someone's house that looked like an oven... But i guess who would ever listen to a 5 year old. It was the first thing i ever loved. The first thing i ever lost. It can't be replaced. And i didnt even get to say goodbye. And now, as i look at the penguins they sell in stores, im always reminded of this childhood friend i lost, and just smiled to myself how i be so young and understand how to love...
years go by, i move to different places, met new friends, boyfriends, enemies, rivals... said my goodbyes, moved on to the next... goodbyes again... and the circle of my life continues... but did they ever knew how each and everyone of them mattered in my life. For the lessons they taught me, the love they gave me and the life they built for me. Do they know when i love someone i gave them my whole heart, and even knowing someday i might regret them, i still do... Do they know that the goodbyes always leave a lump in my throat, breaking my heart and the fact that my stubborn head just sometimes cant accept the fact that it's a final goodbye, until one time i realize it is, and i just fall apart...
And the thing is, do we ever learn? does it get easier as we recite more and more goodbyes in our lives? does it get less heartbreaking? Can we just erase the fact that the departure leaves a deep black hole in our hearts? can we just bury the pain?
When i left my cat Neo to be with my family in Borneo Island.. that tear-filled eyes just looked up at me, wanting to say something but couldnt. She just stared at the car that took me away, probably wondering why i left, and when i'm coming back. But i know she believes i am coming home. Because i always do... Between me and Neo will never ever be a goodbye... coz i'll always come home...
When i said goodbye to my job i didnt want to look back. It was a phase i had to move on. And i have no regrets on all the decision made. Some goodbyes are for the better. But is it still sad? of course... it's still a goodbye...
Pondering on the past, being broken and sad isnt fair for the people in the present around you trying to make you a better future... They're the ones who are healing you, making you smile, giving you new hope. THey are the ones picking up the pieces, fixing your heart and filling ur days with laughter. And how would it hurt them to know that you're too tied up in a memory, too broken to let them in... It's time to wake up and move on from the pain you left behind...
it's time to say goodbye to the goodbye that broke your heart and give chance for yourself to heal....
