On death...

My tired soul, my restless eyes... will never see another sunrise... A love for a life, one that i've taken away... Will God forgive me for what i've done today?

As I lay and put my body to rest, will i ever see another day? If this is God's final test... Will they remember me, or will I fade away...

My body weakens from the blood that sheds... A life I lived with too many regrets... I take one last deep breath of earth's air... And say my goodbye to this murderous despair...

As I lay and put my mind to rest, will I ever live another day? If this is God's hardest test... Will they think of me, because I can't stay...

So now I close my once brown eyes... I will never see tomorrow's sunrise... A love that took my life away... Will God forgive me for dying today?

Love,
Anne (28 July 2010)

I Remember...

I am writing this blog in a very sweaty and smelly condition as i have just finished jumping around to Lady Gaga tunes and was suddenly inspired!~ A question was asked that moved my wirter's block to the side.

"Anne, Do girls forget about the happiest moments of a relationship?"

All of a sudden ALL the memories from my childhood boyfriends to the most recent relationship came flooding in my head like those lame 1kb spam e-mails you get non-stop. All the laughs... the jokes.. even the words in those cute love-letters came back to my cerebrum in a milisecond. Yes, I do remember them. In fact, there they are playing in my head so vividly like distant memories that were waiting to be downloaded again after all these years of being left dormant.

I dont know about other girls but yes, I do remember the happiest moment of every single relationship I had. Even the ones that turned to be disaster. I remember being happy and so complete when my very first boyfriend squeezed me out of breath after a crazy rollercoaster ride (boy i was so worried it was captured on camera!) And one dear lover of mine drove his motorbike to my house in the middle of the night, sneaking past my sleeping parents just to gaze on the stars and discuss our plans to be astronauts so we can go star-pickig someday. I remember one morning i went to school and found a bunch of brown orchids on my desk sent in by a secret admirer along with a love letter saying what a beautiful person I am and he loves me from a far, and so i went around the whole town on foot to look for a house with brown orchids. (i never found out who he was, sadly...) And one day a musical box was sent to me on my birthday with the song "where do i begin" signed by an anonymous admirer. I was 15 when I was at the peak of my love life. Everything was so fresh and full of hopes. And heartbreaks were easy to mend...

I even remember having a deadly crush on someone wishing so bad I was the girl he always walked home with, crying into my pillow everyday hoping someday he'll notice me. Then one day I went to school for a study group session and there he was, sitting on a small bridge of a pond and he actually looked my way. Wow how my heart was beating like a train when his pefect lips shaped into a smile. I never really got to tell him i loved him but that smile, that one moment where he noticed me has never left my mind...

Even though none of the relationships lasted, I never could forget how the tiniest details has made me happy. How can I, when it was those memories that has made me become the person I am. Yes, it's sad when heart is broken and the memories become nothing but reminders of how painful the experience was. But without em, how do tell the story of your life to your children?

As painful as it is now, i can never forget the excitement of waiting anxiously at the airport gates, the drastic heartbeat and bloodrush of meeting him for the very first time. Of how everything felt so complete when his eyes were looking directly into mine instead of through webcams. No, noone forgets that memory, the heart doesnt let me. Even though remembering it causes my heart to shatter, it is and will always be there...

Each and everyone that has made my life worth living even for one second, I would and could never forget. The broken pieces of my heart collected by a certain stranger, struggling to fix them, showering my days with hopes and love only to left his own heart broken. I could never forget. Every tiny piece of memory fits into my life like a jigsaw puzzle and without a single one, it wont be complete.

So to the guy who asked me the question,

Yes. We do remember every happy moments in a relationship. They are what made us. They are what completes us. And they are what makes us smile when nothing else can...

Thanks Tariq Suliman for this blog inspiration!

Jokes... oh sex jokes...

Okay almost a month since i started workin as a lame ass engineer in a lame ass country and my social life raised from 1 to 9. At work 90% of the people I deal with are married men. And Goodness Gracious the jokes they all talk about at work... My mind became the gutter in an instant as they discuss about sexual activities and making jokes about it...

Well I am an open-minded person i dont really mind laughing along at these jokes. In fact I admit I sometimes add in some spice for the giggles to break into thunderous laughter but one thought came up to my mind. Is it really appropriate for 30+ married men to crack jokes about sex to single girls at the age between 20-26? I don't know maybe i'm thinking too much about this, but yeah... The jokes can get a little bit too much to the point where I'm sometimes lost for responses. (and sometimes, too embarassed to respond) And at these points, I began to wonder if these things should even be brought up into the office scenario.

Honestly without these joke cracking session, work will not be as fun as it obviously isn't. But what exactly do men have in mind when they mention these things? Yeah, they say it's harmful. They say it's just words, nothing personal or physical. But I know these are the same people who committed adultry (sp?), and some were even cheating on their wives with girls who work in the office. So they might say the jokes are "innocent" but it still has the probability of turning into something serious and heavy.

I guess sometimes they have to know when to stop. When the jokes start to get a little bit off limits like going way into details and i feel uncomfortable sucking on a lolipop with eyes staring and mouth drooling, someone has to step on the brakes. Yeah, I agree we all need a few breaks now and then. I'm just saying there should be a certain range of sexual jokes and gestures that are allowed to be spoken off. The rest, they should just keep between them and their spouses.

THINK POSITIVE!~

Working in a lame ass company with bitches and assholes (*ahem... excuse my french) ready to pound on you at your first mistake just really drains out your energy and wear you out and injures your brains. So, the one thing to do to survive and stay alive (and stay sane) is to THINK POSITIVE. I found these tips on how to stay positive on some anonymous website and yeh so far it's been a BIG HELP for me :)

1. Admit that there are problems
I found out being ignorant sometimes doesnt help at all. Admitting there are problems around let's you adjust your well-being to the environment.

2. Make Goals
My goal is to get my monthly income. So love me hate me.

3. Avoid negative influences
Yeh you dont need more uneccessary stress in life

4. Find an optimistic quote
"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." I dont care if people hate me for cracking jokes at the wrong place or time. There is NEVER a wrong moment to share some tiny chuckles. (or in my case, usually HUGE)

5. Focus your imagination and efforts on becoming that new positive person
Why not? being negative obviously wont take you anywhere. When i was super-sensitive i almost got myself lost. Now im all positive and couldnt care less to all the negative aura in the world :P

6. Create your live from within
We are what our hearts intend us to be. Clean the heart. Clean the mind. And paint it with all the colours you want.

7. Love your life
God gave us only ONE life. Live it. Cherish it :)

8. Smile at Strangers
What's so hard to move some muscles and just smile at people? it doesnt hurt and it certainly make yourself prettier :)

9. Listen to positive music
Hmm... GET NAKED by Britney helps me a lot. If you feel down and no one is around... GET NAKED and work it...I'm Crazy as a motherfker bet that on your man!~

10. Volunteer or help others
In this case, I chose to adopt and take care of cats :)

11. USE THE LAW OF ATTRACTION
When you LOOK GOOD you FEEL GOOD. Dress to kill. Dress to inspire. Dress to RULE!~

Good luck!~

p/s works for broken hearts too... Remember that there's always more fish in the sea. And hell yeh a thousand billions of species of em!!!

DREAMS...

Dream within a dream

need not ask this, i'm sure EVERYONE has experienced weird dreams or nightmares at one point. It was last night, when i had a dream about a stranger i haven't met that inspired me to write about this. Malays believe that some dreams are sign of what's to happen in a person's life. For example, if you dream about a snake, specifically a python, means someone is about to propose to you. Another example is if you dream about flood, for anything consisting water, you will get a lot of money soon. And also, if you dream about your tooth falling off, means a person close to you is going to die. Sometimes, some dreams are pre-events in reality that when they do happen you will feel like you've been here, done this. This is famously called "deja vu"

I'm not really a traditional believer. I think dreams are dreams. Probably scientifically explained that dreams are thoughts you put in the bottom of your mind and didnt think about it until you're rested. Like a computer scan that does it's work when you're unconsious.

I had a dream about a mall once. One i have never been to. And this shopping mall kept appearing in dreams about 5-6 times until it started to get freaky. Until now, i never really resolved this weird dream. But in my sleep, it's a mall i always go to. And not to mention i ALWAYS dream about meeting old friends and boyfriends i lost contact with, to find them married with children and sympathy on their faces on my luck in that department. Scary dreams are the worst kinds. I am a true scaredy cat. I HATE ghosts. But in dreams when i encounter them, i became this superhero who slays them with super religious prayers i dont really know in real life. And just yesterday i dreamed of escaping some evil villains with a friend (a dude very close to me) and getting on a boat with a mysterious sailor. Supposedly in the dream he was hot and very good looking and rescued my ass. But the sad part i was departed from this friend, didnt say goodbye... and i fell in love with the sailor (who could have easily been Popeye x.x) Upon arrival at some weird country, i told this sailor i love him but he just went away... Drama much? I think so...

So what do these dreams interprete? Meeting someone i never met before and i couldn't even remember the face. But i'm thinking he could have just looked like Tarkan or Kaka in captain's uniform (drooool~). And who was the dear friend who got left behind? What thought could possibly cause me to dream about this? And the fact that they all seem so vivid in dreams and just "poof!" disappear the moment i woke up. Maybe i watch too much tv... haha.. i don't know...

Tarkan :) hotness

Old people told me once to avoid getting nightmares at night, ALWAYS wash your legs. I dont know why though, supposedly washing legs keeps the monsters away coz they're clean? make sense, no? And recite some prayers meaning (I live and die by the name of God). The scariest dream i had was being pressed by something heavy and big causing me to choke and couldnt breathe. But this is common (or so i heared) and has many, many religious, and scientific explanation i wont bore you with right now.

Do dreams really tell you something? Or are they just drama in your sleep? If not carefully understood, it can be part of your own reality and drive you into insanity. Make a dream journal and you'll see how some recurring dream events can be really peculiar.

Credits for Mariusz Janik for this blog insipiration :) Thanks ^^

WHY DO PEOPLE BRAG?

Christina Aguilera : You must talk so big, to make up for smaller things!~

After spending 6 months hiding from the real world and living life online, I finally opened the doors to the world of REALITY and to my surprise, NOTHING’s changed. Everyone I met has a story to tell, and they’re ALL about self-promoting, letting me into DETAILS on how great a person he/she is. At one point, it gets lame and predictable.

So why do people do it? From bragging they can bring income to the company, to telling me how they can control the Bossman (lol if they knew I can do that easy), to announcing their intelligence and “awesome working talents”, to rubbing it in my face they are all about act, not talk… and not forgetting “I can do more than this, I just don’t want to”

Sexism aside, ALL guys do this. They even brag about being addicted to alcohol beverages, can smoke 12 ciggarettes under 2 minutes and how “I can marry a girl anytime I want and leave her if im bored”. I mean seriously, why brag about being a jerk? Why to me? Do I look like a person who would praise guys for being self-acclaimed assholes? And what’s the point of showing of money in your pocket when you obviously smell like methane that can burn down KLCC if ignited.

And not forgetting the girls with 5 inches of make up on their faces and dresses in super-tight tops that practically squeezes the boobs and stomach (layers) into extreme-revelation, bragging how they all know about “the latest trend” and how they are aware of Prada’s latest design and Armani’s latest perfume and somehow still appear in cheap musks and clothes from the rejects of Carolina Herera’s fashion show 20 years ago. And realizing that, changed suddenly to “oh I don’t really care about designers I buy whatever I think is nice” So what was the point of telling me you cared about them in the first place??? Besides that, girls also have this annoying habit of telling you how they have 5 men going after them, and they don’t know which to choose (supposedly they’re hot and wanted). And somehow end up single like me… zzzz…

So why are all these strangers bragging to me? Are they trying to impress me? Or annoy me? I’m so curious on why people have to TELL me what they have (or dont have) instead of leaving it a mystery which would be more exciting. There are some things I rather see myself and evaluate then being forced to. Sigh… people… I guess Christina is right.

People do talk big, just to make up for the smaller things. *wink*

I'm a single mom! Pay me!

I am not speaking or accusing the whole community of single moms of being a pain in the ass. In fact, these are the people i truly respect for their courage, strength and dedication to raise their children without a man's help. In Malaysia, Single mothers are 90% Divorced or Widowed. Not the "touch and go kind" One peculiar woman, in her early 50s, i met 2 days ago, just annoyed the hell out of me. Highly defensive and rude, she threatened to beat the hell out of me. One word for her. BITCH!

I wont write the details of what happened here coz it might take like 5 hours and bore you all to death. To make long story short, my friend (who got herself involved in a minor accident with this woman's son) went to pay the how you call it... compensation money, about RM300. (100 USD)

By the way she greeted us, i knew it was gonna be a hell of an adventure. I was right. She sat on her lazy chair, her "injured" son on a sofa and started her bitching.

The way she looked down on me was apalling. "My son is a degree holder who's gonna do his masters in a few days. My daughter is also currently doing her degree. All my children are successful people with a strong religious faith." She continued, "My son never stop praising God during his whole drive on the road so how on earth is this his fault?" And then she looked at us up down unaware that im an upper class degree holder too.

Then her defensive act revealed. "I am a single mother but don't think i am scum in the society. I raised my son all by myself and I protect them from people like you. (people like me wtf??)And if i didnt have more patience i would already beat u two to death. I want more compensate money to buy him all the stuff again! Don't u dare think we single mothers can be bullied."

I was like "WHAT THE F@ck???" I realized this bitch is useless to argue with. later, her words just faded into "bitch... nag... bitch nag..."

1. So what if your stupid gay son (yeh a few hours later i found out her son is gay) has a degree in councelling? I have one too i didnt use it as a defensive act! Nothing special.
2. Being or acting religious wont win a court 's case. Dumbass.
3. So what if u praise God during your whole journey on the road? If that ever works, i would already have a good husband and career as i have been praying to god all my life.~
4. So what if you're a single mother and have to raise children on your own? Sorry but my compassion is limited and i'm already spending my sympathy on starving people in Africa or Animals being abused. Single mothers? You're just as Normal as everyone else.
5. Beat me to death? Zzzzzz... Because her son fell off a motorbike and ripped his pants? LOL!

Why is it such a big deal being a single mother that it becomes an excuse and defensive statement? I didnt even say anything about single mom being at the bottom of the food chain of my society and yet she was eager to rub it in my face that she's a superstar. Gosh. I wish she'd spend her time on thanking God her son is still alive, instead of thanking God she can use her 'single mom' status as an excuse for compensate money.