Confessions of a single Drama Queen

Love. Live. Embrace.

You had your chance, you've been there, you've done that. You want it again but can't have it. Get over it. What's the point of being pathetically emotional for something you never had? and you didn't even lose it if you never had it in the first place, eh? Do it like the fox and the grapes. It's probably sour. Probably wrinkled and used up. Yes, probability is an endless mind torcher but this is the 21st century. You need to let things go.

But I am old-fashioned. I believe in fairy tales. I believe that Prince Charming would do what it takes to find the girl with the glass slippers. I believe that Aladdin would fake royalty just to be with Princess Jasmine. What I don't believe, is settiling for second when your heart knows who it wants. So as long as I am in "love" with this person, I can't be with someone else.... Thus, my Lyra can never be born into the world... Why? because apparently one-sided love does not cross path. But you recited your prayers. You cried your tears. Enough is said and done. You're on your own.

Drama Queen indeed. I'm no Angelina Jolie but I'm not ugly, either. I don't have JLO's body but I do have half of Kim Kardashian's ass. Yes. I tend to set eyes on the wrong dude, but hey, who doesn't? I want what's best for Lyra's daddy I'm not going to just go with the first Russel Brand I see in the streets. Quality. I may not be born a princess but I'm not going to settle for a pauper, either. It's time to glue up that broken heart and get on with life.

The Battleship of Dreams...

They say it's the game of life played by your sub-conscious mind. Some "experts" say dreams occur depending on your thoughts or experiences during the day. But did you notice that sometimes there are dreams that has nothing to do with the going-ons in your real life. And at certain times the dreams are predictions on what will happen, thus you call it "deja vu". I am no expert in what your mind does to your thoughts, nor am i a seer that can make a theory that dreams are clues to the future. But lately, weirdly I keep having dreams of the same people over and over again. And though people establish dreams being the indicator of a good sleep, my dreams are tiring. They drain out my energy and the thought of how they affect my rate of heartbeat just drives me crazy.

Once I closed my eyes and saw a glimpse of my hand decorated in red henna, and a golden ring wrapped around my ring finger. It was so intense i could actually feel the gloominess of that (supposed to be happy) day. I was tied to someone I didn't love and i felt the need to escape. The same day I found out the man i did love was married to someone else. I went on a cruise to run away from the ceremony. Having escaped from that sad destiny i suddenly found out I was on a battleship and I was ready for   a war. I knew I was going to die that day. But it was something I had to do, and I didn't care being alive or dead. Heavy heart I fought the battle, ready to sleep my final sleep.

Epic, no? In a scene where I was left ignored by my friends, broken hearted watching my best friend with him, I walked in a mall, the one I always had the same dream about even in my childhood days. I met an old Indian man, his name was Mr Rayhan or something. He said I was never to worry walking alone and getting lost, it's life. He gave me his number, said it's always good to know company if i ever needed one. . I realized i had switched off my phone, sulked by what I had seen. And when I turned it on, expected a few missed calls, my friends didn't call to ask me where I was. I just kept walking around, behind ancient buildings and locked gates. Lost. Confused. A complete blur, I woke up actually feeling the pain of a broken heart. I was angry for a moment. Until I realize having my eyes opened, it ended the confusing adventure.

It's not a thing you can control. Some just make you wake up with a smile, sowing hopes and planting possibilities. Some just make you realize some painful facts of life giving you hints of what to expect in reality.

There are dreams I can't even remember, but life experiences showers me with feelings of "oh this happened before". I'm sure it happens to everyone once in a while. And here we are still confused of what dreams actually are. A hint of reality? or just a game your mind plays with your heart?

Can You Believe it's 2012???

Believe it. 2012 is here. According to the Mayans, this is the final year. Of earth.

Sometimes I wish Nostradamus is still alive to actually explain what they meant by "the end".

I suck. As a blogger. and everything else. My resolution was supposedly to "blog" more. Well we live only once and this is one way of staying alive forever. I even have a diary that was last updated in September last year.

January has been evil. I had the worst cramps, toothache, backache and knee-ache. I feel my body is decomposing and nothing I can do about it. I drank so much milk that it has actually started to taste like paper. That's just physical pain. Mentally I was pressured by too many friends' engagements and weddings that it actually reminded myself that I AM FRICKEN 28 next WEEK AND WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE???

I am not one to pathetically shower myself with self defeating questions such as "am i too ugly? am i too loud? am i not pretty enough? am i not good enough? am i too dark? too fat? too moody???" or to grow a tree of ego and bitterness with "oh i'm too picky... he's not good enough for me... he's too short, too poor, too gay... it's not that noone wants me, it's just I'm too good for anyone..." I am just really tired of the same pressure each and every year and this year I decided to not frickin care. My time will come and even if it doesn't, who cares? i got my dream job. move on.

Anyway, besides looking forward to be a 28 yr old single woman, life has been pretty awesome. I live like 50000 miles away from my family. I'm not complaining coz I stick to the fact that after 18, you're better off apart unless fighting with your mom over the TV remote turns you on. But do I miss them? of course I do. But this is the moment to find myself, live independently and give myself the chance to be a housemaker. Which i think I'm failling coz I SUCK AT COOKING! (but think positive, I clean the house like a pro :)

Friends have been awesome so far. Honestly, this is the longest I have been friends to the same people. Looking at my past life, most friends would be biting my head off and stabbing my back by now. But I have awesome people I hang around with. Love could be somewhere among them but shoved to the side due to my inferiority complex. Silent heartbreaks, loud laughter... Ahh... so much to live for.

Lyra is still a long way to go. And for how things are I guess it's still a long way to go times 4. She'll arrive on angels' wings in due time. I just wish the due time will be sooner. It breaks my heart to fall in love with other peoples' babies. But I'm not ready to settle down with anyone. I just want to be with he who I have heart for...

So yeah, 2012 has been a crazy journey of patience and bitter experience. I just hope February would be less of a heartache :)

And holy crap this is supposed to be a blog not a diary!!! Eeeek...! Excuse my drama I'll be back for normal stuff next entree. BRB.

The story so far...

I was reading my "new resolutions" post and how ironic! I barely made any of them come true...! So these are the updates on the resolutions i had made earlier this year...

1. Focus On My Career

Well this one didn't didn't go off so bad. I'm still loving my job. All is well. I'm improving and being a lecturer is nothing but awesome. Cool friends, cool guys to stare at. And good opportunity to buy cute dresses and make up xD

2. Drop the Emoness

I actually laughed A LOT this year. I'm happy :)

3. Be Faithful to the boyfriend

Lol. What boyfriend?

4. Learn to cook

Erm.. I will actually learn to cook when I'm engaged to someone. I have no reason to cook now.

5. LOSE WEIGHT and live it healthy

Still fat.

6. Be nice to parents

I am... I think...

7. Be a WWF Volunteer.

Hey I'm donating like RM50 a month for WWF. That's a start, right?

8. QUIT online Games :- TOP!~

I DID! I freakingly DID and I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF for this!!!

9. Pay Debts.

My parents did for me ;)

10. Write in Journal/blog

Oh I am so in desperate need of an inspiration. Time to put the laziness aside and get my FINGERS TYPING!!!

Holy Crap it's been 8 months!!!

Hahaha... Gosh I havent updated this since like January! What a terrible blogger-wannabe I am. A lot has happened since the last post. I guess that's the reason. You deal with so much in life, you're overwhelemed with too much happenings and inspiration that you suffer from the complete opposite of writers-block. Which apparently has the same symptoms of being honestly lazy at writing.

My personal life is still the same. My online life has changed a lot. My written life is on an eight-month delay. Eid just passed and I'm back at work from 10 days AFW. And I don't know, something inspired me to start blogging again. Probably the dream I had last night. It made me google for "dream predictions" which didnt return with anything interesting. But I did find some bloggers' dream journals that inspired me to make one too.

Of course no one can really remember the details of their dreams. all I remember from last night was that I was in a building with my colleagues and suddenly there was a flood. The whole place just sort of surrounded by waves of water, something like a tsunami and i was looking at it through a huge ass window. And the thing i remembered saying in the dream was "wow, if we had surfing boards we could surf here." kay in the dream it was something cool and calming but when i woke up I was obviously like "wtf?!" Then as i surfed (as in online) and read yahoo news, i saw this picture of some dudes surfing and there was a glimpse of a shark and i was like, "hey! deja vu!"

Ah!!! shark!!! (adopted from yahoo news 8th Sept 2011)

Well that being written and recorded... I'm off to work (or pretending to) now. I'll probably keep updating this piece of blog-wannabe with more weird lame dreams and life experience.

If You Can't Beat Them... Join Them!

It's been 3 months since i became an educator and I'm loving every minute of it. Everytime I step into class and start my lecture I can feel the excitement of the education world. Yes I have totally become a nerd. But I have fun, teaching my students all the knowledge I have, flash backs through my working experiences and seeing them interested in all the tiny details just made me satisfied with where I am career wise.

Though there are a few classes I prefer not to teach, with the students as rude as orcs, it still didnt change the fact that I am destined to be a lecturer. Yeah, once I was offended by the rude remarks as I got upset and left the class in hope to fail them all but I took a few minutes to just breathe and understand why they do it. I was a student once and i had this attitude that probably annoyed my lecturers back then. So what if they throw in a "stfu", a bunch of slutty giggles and snores off your lessons? Seriousness is plain boring. And if you cant control their behaviour by being remarkably pissed at them. JOIN THEM.

So everytime I enter class I see things through a new perspective. They are no longer monkeys that we're feeding in a zoo. (where sometimes i feel like bringing in a bunch of bananas to shut them up) But they are immature little beings who still can't tell the differences between "dos"and "donts" It's my job to set a good example and teach them what they need and how they take it, it's up to themselves. I can only do so much as a lecturer. I can't teach them how to become a human being. But I can teach them how to become engineers. And I enjoy sharing the jokes and laughters of the kids. Why be serious when you can be positive and have fun :)

Quest For The One...

While I was flipping through January's CLEO this morning, an article caught my attention. It was something about how guys are in search for "the one" woman that he claims his soulmate. Yeah, we so have been assuming the typical girl that guys want, the goodie-two-shoes, low maintenance, pretty face wh0 says basically nothing but does everything. The kind of girl who guys can feel good to be around with and have like 200 things in common. Then we roll our eyes and sigh when we fall to number 218 on the "the one" list of choices.

Is it fair that they (men*) get to choose the type of women they want to end up with and women have no choice but to 'settle' for any man that comes along? Is it because the population of women is larger than men that gives them the advantage of being "picky" and have the upper hand of being in control when it comes to soul-mate choices? Or is it their ego that gets them to this point where women just have to wait in line to be chosen?

It actually goes both ways. Women don't have to 'settle' for anyone who comes along if they don't desire to. Yes, it's true that choices are limited. The main reason why women don't get to pick is because there's not enough men of quality in line. All the good men are either taken, gay or dead. So what's left to be 'the one' for women? Some choose to just be found. Let the men do the seeking. Some choose to be single and focus on careers. While others, in desperation joins in the Fellowship of the Man-hunters.

Most women tend to seek for that 'father' quality in a man. While men are looking for beauty, a great cook, a great body etc, all women really wanted is for someone who's man enough to be a good father for their children. A man responsible enough to take up that job unconditionally. And the quest for "the one" will come to an end :)