Have you ever had a dream that was so wonderful you don't wanna wake up like... ever? Well duh...! Of course you have. Everyone has..! It was so vivid and amazing and the fantastical moment punched me right in the middle of my big aortic pump in an outstanding maddening emotional way. There. Enough expression?
I don't know, it was probably the effect of reading too many CLEO articles, specifically on dating attitude. You know how to win guy's attention thing bla bla bla... And at the end of the day I realized that this is 2012 and i'm still living in the beliefs of a woman who lives in 1860. Don't get me elaborating on that, this is not supposed to be a diary.
Anywaaaays... That being said, in the dream I had balls. Metaphorically, of course. I was so couragous that I somehow (probably with the power of Greyskull) walked up to Mr Right and literally slapped him in the face for a wake up call and told him to open his chinky eyes and realize that I have been madly in love with him for a year and a half and if it's not now it's never. Being wonderful a dream as it was, he unlocked the complicated password protected metal sealed door of himself and responded, positively. And the gutfull event ended up with a success, of course. It was a dream after all. Where I got the guts, I'll never know.
Then predictably, despite the movie-like oohs and aahs of the absent-minded, it all dissolved into a blur of a yellowish bedside lamp and some morning Hitz.fm crew, literally yelling into my head that it's time to return to the real world and get my ass of the bed and get to work. And yes, as you have guessed, the CLEO article opened right next to me.
So maybe I am living in 1860s, where men are supposed to come after woman. But believing that maybe is the reason why I am still single or else in a very complicated relationship with my laptop.
Thinking about what Ted said in How I Met Your Mother the other day...
"This is who I am. I won't change my beliefs for whatever reasons. If she can't accept that I am old-fashioned, then I guess she's not the one for me.
But someday, I will meet that person who believes in the same thing I do, and that will be the day I meet your mother..." -Ted Mosby, HIMYM-
In my case, Lyra's father :)
Monday, May 7, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
My life in a bowl :)
Ahh... 28 years has passed since i was born into this world of madness and whatnots. With arms wide open and a heart full of hopes and unfulfilled dreams I accept the fact that I have not grown older, just wiser :) well at least I'd think so :P
28 years ago, a week before Valentine's 1984, I was introduced into this world as a naked baby girl. Innocent. Clueless. And helpless. I grew up in Sarawak for 2 years which I have no memory about, except for a babysitter i grew very close to but never met again. And my sister, also known as cruela de ville pushed me under a coffee table and almost caused me to bleed to death. (i even still have that scar...!)
1986 my family moved to Liverpool, England, where I learned to walk, talk, and read. My first language was English, and my first school was Christchurch primary school. i don't remember much about the three years growing up in the UK except for a teacher who likes to kidnap me while I was running around naked in the Gym, and put me on display for his "grown up" students in his class. (yes, apparently being 3 years old, you only get to wear your underwear during gym). My best friend was some girl named Collet, and i have learned to read at the age of three.
in 1989 i returned to Melaka, Malaysia and did not know a word of Malay. I even spoke English to my Grandmother and she was like "whaaaa...???" I thought we were going to live in the jungle (see, in Liverpool where I lived there weren't so many tress..." and was terrified at the thought. I ate rambutan for the first time and i thought I was in heaven. The fruits tasted so much better than apples and strawberries...! At the age of 5 I went to primary school and the teacher was impressed i could already read. And i was scared of buffaloes, I thought they were Minotaurs... And i also thought I was English... so nevermind...
1990 my brother was born and i got so irritated i made a decision to hate him all my life.
A year later I moved to Kedah, North of Malaysia and i had no clue what people were talking about. I felt funny that schooldays were on Sunday to Thursday (I actually thought i was on another planet) and i entered the time of my life where as a kid, i knew i annoyed everyone around me but i couldn't help it.
In 1994 I moved to England, again. This time I lived in Loughborough, Leicester. Ahh... the memories. I can actually remember all 367 days being in the UK. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 11. I went on adventures from houses to houses. And I had a blast every single day of school. Loughborough was when I reliazed I was alive, though that's when my hair decided to become greasy and curly but i was still innocent, pretty with huge teeth. I started to like my sister a bit. We became closer friends and told each other secrets instead of calling each other names.
One year of bliss, back to thinking I was English again, I returned to Kedah. This time I still remembered Malay, basically coz in UK the second time i was closer with Malay friends instead of English. And I was Miss Popular in school, having just returned from the UK and having admirers from every class and being the Teacher's daughter. Life was fun at 11-12. I remember having an enemy who that time also "just returned from" the US but she turned out to be my best friend. I hated the US. I was like, UK is waaaaaay better than US. We have more class... ;) Being Miss popular somehow did not get me the boys I liked. I had a crush on this older dude in high school but i guess he was the one that got away. I had my first love at the age of 15 with some other boy with a lot of hair. Trust me, he was almost qualified to be a yeti. But yeah, it was love :) we broke up 3 times before i moved away. My sister cruela moved away to college and we wrote letters...! and we became best friends just for that :)
In 2000 I moved to Tampin, South of Malaysia. I was Miss popular for like 2 months before the isolataion era. This was the time where friendship had a whole different meaning. I learned about backstabbings and judgementalists. I lived a broken heart for a year before I had good, awesome friends of different races. My high school life wasn't so bad. I learned a lot. I was anti-guys. I became a true-feminist. I hated the thought of having a boyfriend. I was heartless. But high school was sure as hell, funny. Oh and i decided not to hate my brother anymore. We became friends but he still annoys me. (i found out he even cut off my head in photos, like a voodoo thing)
2002 opened the door of college and pre-adult life. I moved to Port Dickson, only a mere hour away from home. Surprisingly, during my acne-face era, i had an admire who became my boyfriend of 5 years. I became closer and closer with my sister, always having her back and she, mine. During this time I met the one that got away again but realize he was and never would be the one for me. And damn I had an awesome body, but all I could think of was study! I became the best public speaker for 2 years. Only cause my English is awesome.
2005 i lived in Johor, pursuing my degree. This can also be known as the most boring time of my life. But I met my first true love who lived in the US. He taught me how great love is, making sacrifices to visit me. He was the best anyone could ever have. However, we broke up 3 years later after he found out I cheated on him with a guy from Saudi Arabia. Don't ask why my love life was so international. I was a crazy ass MMORPG player who did not settle for locals. My sister got married through drama and little Mya was born. :)
2009 I started working. I was still in a very complicated relationship, having broken up and back together for 200 times. But I was contented with it. Being an engineer was hell, and juggling careers and trying to survive a crazy relationship threw me at the verge of breaking down. I was lost not only in the city roads but also in life. I even considered suicide but i couldn't pick what method to use and realized all was too messy. What i'm not gonna eat poison i have vomit-phobia. I also didn't wanna cut my wrists or hang myself...That moment I turned to God and life took a crazy turn. He listened to me and made me a lecturer. I broke up with Saudi dude to make a change in life. He stood by me for a while until we realized we were hopeless. (And the fact that i fell for someone else, of course)
2012...
At 28 years old, I gave up on love and realized life is too short to be pathetically lost. (...and to not blame the world for everything...). I decided to be happy, be thankful for all God has to offer and be sincere in all I do. I may not be born a princess but my father made sure I lived as one. I love my cat, my family and friends and I am yet waiting for what life has to give. I am single. I am 28. I am alive :)
 |
| Love. Live. Embrace. |
1986 my family moved to Liverpool, England, where I learned to walk, talk, and read. My first language was English, and my first school was Christchurch primary school. i don't remember much about the three years growing up in the UK except for a teacher who likes to kidnap me while I was running around naked in the Gym, and put me on display for his "grown up" students in his class. (yes, apparently being 3 years old, you only get to wear your underwear during gym). My best friend was some girl named Collet, and i have learned to read at the age of three.
in 1989 i returned to Melaka, Malaysia and did not know a word of Malay. I even spoke English to my Grandmother and she was like "whaaaa...???" I thought we were going to live in the jungle (see, in Liverpool where I lived there weren't so many tress..." and was terrified at the thought. I ate rambutan for the first time and i thought I was in heaven. The fruits tasted so much better than apples and strawberries...! At the age of 5 I went to primary school and the teacher was impressed i could already read. And i was scared of buffaloes, I thought they were Minotaurs... And i also thought I was English... so nevermind...
1990 my brother was born and i got so irritated i made a decision to hate him all my life.
A year later I moved to Kedah, North of Malaysia and i had no clue what people were talking about. I felt funny that schooldays were on Sunday to Thursday (I actually thought i was on another planet) and i entered the time of my life where as a kid, i knew i annoyed everyone around me but i couldn't help it.
In 1994 I moved to England, again. This time I lived in Loughborough, Leicester. Ahh... the memories. I can actually remember all 367 days being in the UK. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 11. I went on adventures from houses to houses. And I had a blast every single day of school. Loughborough was when I reliazed I was alive, though that's when my hair decided to become greasy and curly but i was still innocent, pretty with huge teeth. I started to like my sister a bit. We became closer friends and told each other secrets instead of calling each other names.
One year of bliss, back to thinking I was English again, I returned to Kedah. This time I still remembered Malay, basically coz in UK the second time i was closer with Malay friends instead of English. And I was Miss Popular in school, having just returned from the UK and having admirers from every class and being the Teacher's daughter. Life was fun at 11-12. I remember having an enemy who that time also "just returned from" the US but she turned out to be my best friend. I hated the US. I was like, UK is waaaaaay better than US. We have more class... ;) Being Miss popular somehow did not get me the boys I liked. I had a crush on this older dude in high school but i guess he was the one that got away. I had my first love at the age of 15 with some other boy with a lot of hair. Trust me, he was almost qualified to be a yeti. But yeah, it was love :) we broke up 3 times before i moved away. My sister cruela moved away to college and we wrote letters...! and we became best friends just for that :)
In 2000 I moved to Tampin, South of Malaysia. I was Miss popular for like 2 months before the isolataion era. This was the time where friendship had a whole different meaning. I learned about backstabbings and judgementalists. I lived a broken heart for a year before I had good, awesome friends of different races. My high school life wasn't so bad. I learned a lot. I was anti-guys. I became a true-feminist. I hated the thought of having a boyfriend. I was heartless. But high school was sure as hell, funny. Oh and i decided not to hate my brother anymore. We became friends but he still annoys me. (i found out he even cut off my head in photos, like a voodoo thing)
2002 opened the door of college and pre-adult life. I moved to Port Dickson, only a mere hour away from home. Surprisingly, during my acne-face era, i had an admire who became my boyfriend of 5 years. I became closer and closer with my sister, always having her back and she, mine. During this time I met the one that got away again but realize he was and never would be the one for me. And damn I had an awesome body, but all I could think of was study! I became the best public speaker for 2 years. Only cause my English is awesome.
2005 i lived in Johor, pursuing my degree. This can also be known as the most boring time of my life. But I met my first true love who lived in the US. He taught me how great love is, making sacrifices to visit me. He was the best anyone could ever have. However, we broke up 3 years later after he found out I cheated on him with a guy from Saudi Arabia. Don't ask why my love life was so international. I was a crazy ass MMORPG player who did not settle for locals. My sister got married through drama and little Mya was born. :)
2009 I started working. I was still in a very complicated relationship, having broken up and back together for 200 times. But I was contented with it. Being an engineer was hell, and juggling careers and trying to survive a crazy relationship threw me at the verge of breaking down. I was lost not only in the city roads but also in life. I even considered suicide but i couldn't pick what method to use and realized all was too messy. What i'm not gonna eat poison i have vomit-phobia. I also didn't wanna cut my wrists or hang myself...That moment I turned to God and life took a crazy turn. He listened to me and made me a lecturer. I broke up with Saudi dude to make a change in life. He stood by me for a while until we realized we were hopeless. (And the fact that i fell for someone else, of course)
2012...
At 28 years old, I gave up on love and realized life is too short to be pathetically lost. (...and to not blame the world for everything...). I decided to be happy, be thankful for all God has to offer and be sincere in all I do. I may not be born a princess but my father made sure I lived as one. I love my cat, my family and friends and I am yet waiting for what life has to give. I am single. I am 28. I am alive :)
Where does my life go from here...?
Confessions of a single Drama Queen
Love. Live. Embrace.
You had your chance, you've been there, you've done that. You want it again but can't have it. Get over it. What's the point of being pathetically emotional for something you never had? and you didn't even lose it if you never had it in the first place, eh? Do it like the fox and the grapes. It's probably sour. Probably wrinkled and used up. Yes, probability is an endless mind torcher but this is the 21st century. You need to let things go.
But I am old-fashioned. I believe in fairy tales. I believe that Prince Charming would do what it takes to find the girl with the glass slippers. I believe that Aladdin would fake royalty just to be with Princess Jasmine. What I don't believe, is settiling for second when your heart knows who it wants. So as long as I am in "love" with this person, I can't be with someone else.... Thus, my Lyra can never be born into the world... Why? because apparently one-sided love does not cross path. But you recited your prayers. You cried your tears. Enough is said and done. You're on your own.
Drama Queen indeed. I'm no Angelina Jolie but I'm not ugly, either. I don't have JLO's body but I do have half of Kim Kardashian's ass. Yes. I tend to set eyes on the wrong dude, but hey, who doesn't? I want what's best for Lyra's daddy I'm not going to just go with the first Russel Brand I see in the streets. Quality. I may not be born a princess but I'm not going to settle for a pauper, either. It's time to glue up that broken heart and get on with life.
You had your chance, you've been there, you've done that. You want it again but can't have it. Get over it. What's the point of being pathetically emotional for something you never had? and you didn't even lose it if you never had it in the first place, eh? Do it like the fox and the grapes. It's probably sour. Probably wrinkled and used up. Yes, probability is an endless mind torcher but this is the 21st century. You need to let things go.
But I am old-fashioned. I believe in fairy tales. I believe that Prince Charming would do what it takes to find the girl with the glass slippers. I believe that Aladdin would fake royalty just to be with Princess Jasmine. What I don't believe, is settiling for second when your heart knows who it wants. So as long as I am in "love" with this person, I can't be with someone else.... Thus, my Lyra can never be born into the world... Why? because apparently one-sided love does not cross path. But you recited your prayers. You cried your tears. Enough is said and done. You're on your own.
Drama Queen indeed. I'm no Angelina Jolie but I'm not ugly, either. I don't have JLO's body but I do have half of Kim Kardashian's ass. Yes. I tend to set eyes on the wrong dude, but hey, who doesn't? I want what's best for Lyra's daddy I'm not going to just go with the first Russel Brand I see in the streets. Quality. I may not be born a princess but I'm not going to settle for a pauper, either. It's time to glue up that broken heart and get on with life.
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Battleship of Dreams...
They say it's the game of life played by your sub-conscious mind. Some "experts" say dreams occur depending on your thoughts or experiences during the day. But did you notice that sometimes there are dreams that has nothing to do with the going-ons in your real life. And at certain times the dreams are predictions on what will happen, thus you call it "deja vu". I am no expert in what your mind does to your thoughts, nor am i a seer that can make a theory that dreams are clues to the future. But lately, weirdly I keep having dreams of the same people over and over again. And though people establish dreams being the indicator of a good sleep, my dreams are tiring. They drain out my energy and the thought of how they affect my rate of heartbeat just drives me crazy.Once I closed my eyes and saw a glimpse of my hand decorated in red henna, and a golden ring wrapped around my ring finger. It was so intense i could actually feel the gloominess of that (supposed to be happy) day. I was tied to someone I didn't love and i felt the need to escape. The same day I found out the man i did love was married to someone else. I went on a cruise to run away from the ceremony. Having escaped from that sad destiny i suddenly found out I was on a battleship and I was ready for a war. I knew I was going to die that day. But it was something I had to do, and I didn't care being alive or dead. Heavy heart I fought the battle, ready to sleep my final sleep.
Epic, no? In a scene where I was left ignored by my friends, broken hearted watching my best friend with him, I walked in a mall, the one I always had the same dream about even in my childhood days. I met an old Indian man, his name was Mr Rayhan or something. He said I was never to worry walking alone and getting lost, it's life. He gave me his number, said it's always good to know company if i ever needed one. . I realized i had switched off my phone, sulked by what I had seen. And when I turned it on, expected a few missed calls, my friends didn't call to ask me where I was. I just kept walking around, behind ancient buildings and locked gates. Lost. Confused. A complete blur, I woke up actually feeling the pain of a broken heart. I was angry for a moment. Until I realize having my eyes opened, it ended the confusing adventure.
It's not a thing you can control. Some just make you wake up with a smile, sowing hopes and planting possibilities. Some just make you realize some painful facts of life giving you hints of what to expect in reality.
There are dreams I can't even remember, but life experiences showers me with feelings of "oh this happened before". I'm sure it happens to everyone once in a while. And here we are still confused of what dreams actually are. A hint of reality? or just a game your mind plays with your heart?
Can You Believe it's 2012???
Believe it. 2012 is here. According to the Mayans, this is the final year. Of earth.
Sometimes I wish Nostradamus is still alive to actually explain what they meant by "the end".
I suck. As a blogger. and everything else. My resolution was supposedly to "blog" more. Well we live only once and this is one way of staying alive forever. I even have a diary that was last updated in September last year.
January has been evil. I had the worst cramps, toothache, backache and knee-ache. I feel my body is decomposing and nothing I can do about it. I drank so much milk that it has actually started to taste like paper. That's just physical pain. Mentally I was pressured by too many friends' engagements and weddings that it actually reminded myself that I AM FRICKEN 28 next WEEK AND WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE???
I am not one to pathetically shower myself with self defeating questions such as "am i too ugly? am i too loud? am i not pretty enough? am i not good enough? am i too dark? too fat? too moody???" or to grow a tree of ego and bitterness with "oh i'm too picky... he's not good enough for me... he's too short, too poor, too gay... it's not that noone wants me, it's just I'm too good for anyone..." I am just really tired of the same pressure each and every year and this year I decided to not frickin care. My time will come and even if it doesn't, who cares? i got my dream job. move on.
Anyway, besides looking forward to be a 28 yr old single woman, life has been pretty awesome. I live like 50000 miles away from my family. I'm not complaining coz I stick to the fact that after 18, you're better off apart unless fighting with your mom over the TV remote turns you on. But do I miss them? of course I do. But this is the moment to find myself, live independently and give myself the chance to be a housemaker. Which i think I'm failling coz I SUCK AT COOKING! (but think positive, I clean the house like a pro :)
Friends have been awesome so far. Honestly, this is the longest I have been friends to the same people. Looking at my past life, most friends would be biting my head off and stabbing my back by now. But I have awesome people I hang around with. Love could be somewhere among them but shoved to the side due to my inferiority complex. Silent heartbreaks, loud laughter... Ahh... so much to live for.
Lyra is still a long way to go. And for how things are I guess it's still a long way to go times 4. She'll arrive on angels' wings in due time. I just wish the due time will be sooner. It breaks my heart to fall in love with other peoples' babies. But I'm not ready to settle down with anyone. I just want to be with he who I have heart for...
So yeah, 2012 has been a crazy journey of patience and bitter experience. I just hope February would be less of a heartache :)
And holy crap this is supposed to be a blog not a diary!!! Eeeek...! Excuse my drama I'll be back for normal stuff next entree. BRB.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The story so far...
I was reading my "new resolutions" post and how ironic! I barely made any of them come true...! So these are the updates on the resolutions i had made earlier this year...
1. Focus On My Career
Well this one didn't didn't go off so bad. I'm still loving my job. All is well. I'm improving and being a lecturer is nothing but awesome. Cool friends, cool guys to stare at. And good opportunity to buy cute dresses and make up xD
2. Drop the Emoness
I actually laughed A LOT this year. I'm happy :)
3. Be Faithful to the boyfriend
Lol. What boyfriend?
4. Learn to cook
Erm.. I will actually learn to cook when I'm engaged to someone. I have no reason to cook now.
5. LOSE WEIGHT and live it healthy
Still fat.
6. Be nice to parents
I am... I think...
7. Be a WWF Volunteer.
Hey I'm donating like RM50 a month for WWF. That's a start, right?
8. QUIT online Games :- TOP!~
I DID! I freakingly DID and I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF for this!!!
9. Pay Debts.
My parents did for me ;)
10. Write in Journal/blog
Oh I am so in desperate need of an inspiration. Time to put the laziness aside and get my FINGERS TYPING!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Holy Crap it's been 8 months!!!
Hahaha... Gosh I havent updated this since like January! What a terrible blogger-wannabe I am. A lot has happened since the last post. I guess that's the reason. You deal with so much in life, you're overwhelemed with too much happenings and inspiration that you suffer from the complete opposite of writers-block. Which apparently has the same symptoms of being honestly lazy at writing.
My personal life is still the same. My online life has changed a lot. My written life is on an eight-month delay. Eid just passed and I'm back at work from 10 days AFW. And I don't know, something inspired me to start blogging again. Probably the dream I had last night. It made me google for "dream predictions" which didnt return with anything interesting. But I did find some bloggers' dream journals that inspired me to make one too.
Of course no one can really remember the details of their dreams. all I remember from last night was that I was in a building with my colleagues and suddenly there was a flood. The whole place just sort of surrounded by waves of water, something like a tsunami and i was looking at it through a huge ass window. And the thing i remembered saying in the dream was "wow, if we had surfing boards we could surf here." kay in the dream it was something cool and calming but when i woke up I was obviously like "wtf?!" Then as i surfed (as in online) and read yahoo news, i saw this picture of some dudes surfing and there was a glimpse of a shark and i was like, "hey! deja vu!"
Ah!!! shark!!! (adopted from yahoo news 8th Sept 2011)
Well that being written and recorded... I'm off to work (or pretending to) now. I'll probably keep updating this piece of blog-wannabe with more weird lame dreams and life experience.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)